fuckkking hell

why am i so naiive? i just can't do this anymore. its frustrating and terrible and nothing ever works out. i cant put this into words without sounding like a complete mess. i'm being ridiculous but i cant stop thinking in this downward spiral. god.


i wish i would just have one of those death dreams so that i could fucking move on and start a new part of my life.

my new haircut reprise

SUCCESS!

also, i'd just like to note that i've never seen a seinfeld episode i that i didn't like.

on a darker note (ha,) i have a kaplan class tomorrow from 6 to 8:30. i know that i need to take the class but i'm going to be really embarrassed about my essay. also i dont want to waste 2 hours and 30 minutes of my summer plz and thx.

assumption 2

so dumb and terrible (should be the definition of assumption.)

i have a really busy day today.
dentist, where i'll be reprimanded for being too lazy to floss.
hair cut, where i'll be subjected to questions that i'll answer poorly, assuring that i'll be upset when i leave the place.
jills party, where i'll squeal and be your typical girl. also, i'll enjoy seeing her open her present because its one of my favorite things (especially when you've put thought into the gift and know that they will love it. I don't give many presents, but when i do, they're good ones.)

and when i get home, mourn my haircut. and cringe because summer is gone. and feel sad because summer is gone.

by the way, i did something this summer that i can tell people. i "hung out with my friends a ton." even though i guess thats not true for the whole summer but i have been hanging out with people a lot lately.

i dont want to move to texas

i wont be able to deal with the hats. luckily for me i dont think the big cheese is actually making my dad take the job, its just an offer.

you know that feeling that you get after a long stretch of absolute melancholy? i think its called hope but i cant remember.

i hate using that dreadful d word. that one i should have used before? its so heavy and i think that if you think it applies to you, it probably doesnt. so i dont use it.

BUT ITS OKAY REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im wicked happy for serious. cue joker.

my new haircut, hold the jägerbombs

needs to be better than my last one. because those just werent bangs. i think my hairdresser thought I wanted conformity.

i'm scared though!

assumption

is a bad habit of mine. its not as bad habitwise as peeling the skin off my fingers (sorry if that conjured a grotesque image, and sorry I used the word grotesque wrong) but it might be more harmful. because the way I see it, mental issues are worse than physical issues, and when I make assumptions, which I constantly do, they are the worst case scenario kind. and usually I end up convincing myself that my assumptions are true, which reveals my lack of mental strength that I havent shined light to until now. (note to self: don't forget that.)

sorry, my mini epiphany has misplaced my locomotive of thought. will get back on board later.

making lists

is one of my favorite things to do. right up there with smelling yankee candles and waking up and not having to go anywhere. here is a list of things I want for school:

• black suspenders
• light blue bow tie
  
• cheap scarves
• secondhand flat leather boots unless I can find moderately priced new ones that I like
• a novelty metal lunch box
• plum or grey or paisley tights. GREY TIGHTS WITH PLUM PAISLEYS!
• new tortoise shell glasses
• a new bag because my messenger bag is hell
• black beret
• ascot bow tie shirt
• trendy vintage clothes from ebay because im so trendyyyyy and artsyyyyyy 24/ sevsss.
  
• other t shirts like my batman/joker litte boy t shirt from gap. maybe rocky horror?
• doc martens but this is just a dream
• that marc jacobs shirt that says "off the deep end"
• new bangs
• eye liner in case for some odd reason I want to wear it
  
• a thin black studded belt
• more fake ked champs
• more colorful flannel
• to get my high waisted jeans hemmed since its been like 5 months
• long leggings since my mom threw my others away for some reason?

FIN

my spirit has felt you since 1903

i want a typewriter for my birthday

cronch cronch

note to reader: this is mindless rambling

sometimes when i'm laying in bed at 3am, I acknowledge how quiet everything is. and how throughout the day, I'm always wanting silence to think or read or make noise of my own without everyone elses getting in the way. its quite like when you're at the beach and since its a cold day, no ones around but you, your aunt whose just reading her book anyways, and the ocean. you let your mind wander until you start to think about all these things you're thinking about, and how many people are thinking the same things as you? how many other people in the world are lying in bed at 3am, just thinking about their lives?

one thing I like to think about in silence is how much everything matters. i've thought about both sides and cant come to a conclusion. on one hand, it seems like nothing matters, that your actions aren't important. what does it matter if you have coke or sprite? what does it matter if you eat that piece of cake that you want? what does it matter if i'm on the computer all day? one day, i will be dead. will anyone other than my family remember me? will I have created an impact on the world? and if I have, how big of an impact will it be? if I become an artist, how many people will own my art? how proud of my work will I be? i'll probably only be vaguely mentioned in some magazine. will that mean the world to me? because a few months down the road, no one will remember. after years pass by, theres not a chance. I think celebrities are so amusing, especially the ones who think they're so important. will anyone remember them in ten years? but on the opposing side, what about the butterfly effect? what if everything we do ends up effecting our future? I suppose if I drink sprite now, i'll want a coke later. if I have a coke later, I might get into an argument on which beverage is better: coke or pepsi? this may lead to a friendship. this may lead to more than a friendship. whether I have coke or sprite may have a huge impact on my future, possibly leading to life changing experiences.

when I think like this, in that situation of peacefulness, its the greatest feeling in the world. i feel like i'm not even on the earth, not a part of anything, just in a body that moves around and takes up space. should I feel great about feeling that way?

maybe I think too much.

no thankssss

"Warner Brothers has just announced that Half-Blood Prince will be delayed. The film will instead be released on July 17th, 2009."

fortunately, what comes from this is many enraged fans expressing their WB hatred all up on imdb's half blood prince forum. some of my favorites:

"I so mad that i wish i hadn't gone to see the dark knight because it gave their greedy a$ more money this year"

"IM..HAVING..A..HEARTATTACK...RIGHT..NOW"

"DAMN IT WAS BASICALLY THE ONLY MOVIE I WAS EXCITED FOR THIS YEAR OTHER THAN TDK!!! "

"What angers me the most is the way they are treating us. "

"I HOPE TWILIGHT MAKES MORE MONEY."

"EVERY single HP fan...should go see TWILIGHT!!!!!!! "

"Do you think it's due to the commercial success of the Dark Knight?"

"I hope they're able to hear the sound of the whole world crying tonight! D*chebags!"

"I don't want a Catwoman for the next film."

"DO NOT TELL ANYONE TO CHILL OUT. People are ALLOWED to rant. GEEZ."

"We should all starve ourselves until the release date is pushed back. I'm serious about this. Who's in?"

"Half (at least) of those Chinese gymnasts are not 16. I don't care what their passports say. They aren't."

I wish

that I had a completely empty room with white walls and a white floor.
and I would bring some old school boombox that just knew what I wanted to hear.
and maybe some paints. or something.
there would be infinite possibilities.
thaaaaat is my wish.

I dont mean to sound like a psycho art wannabe. Is that what I am? When everyone thinks everyones a fake, how do you know whose right? How do you know if you're right? I guess you just have to sit down and look in the mirror and say, defiantly, "I am not a psycho art wannabe and I am aware of this. I am just a girl who once lied down in an empty room and drowned in music. I am just a girl who wants to do that again. I am just a girl who thinks that after I'm done drowning, I might want to paint the walls. Why does that make me appear fake to you?" and then, not aloud, "Why do I care?"

q: what have you done this summer?

Normally when I ask someone that question (obviously because I cant think of anything else,) I get some fun answer that has to do with hanging out with friends, going to the beach, partying, the usual. And whatever. I dont care what you've been doing this summer, its not important to me. But the problem with my question is that its one of those "how are you?"esque questions that gets thrown right back at you. This is a problem for me, because I like to be honest. And my honest answer is, "nothing....at all." Which is kind of a conversation killer in my opinion. But I mean...what else should I say? My dad suggested saying that I've been really busy working. But that provokes another question. To which my answer is, "cassidy field." And I'm always given a weird look until I say, "uhh..theres a concession stand." And then, "uhh..its near choate park." And then, "but baseball season ended like a month ago." And then, "Yeah, so i'm not working now." So I really have to do something before school starts because once I step into that building I'm going to be bombarded with potential conversation killing questions. Also I'm going to look really lame.

I just cant seem to do anything. Its not that I'm isolating myself from everyone, because I dont really have many people to isolate myself from. Its not that I dont call and try to make plans, its just that everyone wants to know, "well what do you want to do?" and jeez! I dont know. what do you want to do?

I feel like maybe when school starts, people will start calling me again. Maybe everyone forgot about me and they just have to be reminded that I exist by walking past me running to my next class or kicking my locker or dropping something. Probably a combination of all three. I'm really getting no where with this.

I just want to fast forward my life two years so that i'll be going to college and I can actually meet new people who can become actual friends, not just pretend friends.