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How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!

~simon bolivar

i feel like i've picked up where i left off last summer, with my daily routine falling back into place.
wake up at ten, go on the computer, go back to sleep, read, watch tv/go on the computer, eat sometime, then do a combination of previous activities until going to sleep at two or three or four, repeat.

i guess what i should be doing right now is asking my past self what i learned from that cycle, and then make the changes that i told myself i would make in the future. its strange because once upon a time i told myself "gee, now that thats over, and i can see what i did wrong, this will never happen again." but i suppose now that its difficult to predict what you'll do and how you'll feel in a certain situation, especially when you're overly content with yourself during the prediction. something i remember wishing i had done over the summer was more artwork, considering i have so much free time, and its not really ever being put to good use. but just as i had no inclination to work on my art last year, i have no inclination this year.

i'm not sure why i say i guess and feel and suppose and think all the time. also i never really finish my thoughts in any of my posts.

i need help maybe

i'm always searching for reasons why i act the way i do or why my thought process is so nonsensical- is that an oxymoron, a nonsensical thought process? i guess, and i'm a person to guess and think and feel like a lot, that a single event cant be attributed to my irrational behavior. but...its just so frustrating. more and more i'm recognizing how my mind doesn't seem to work like normal, for example, the way i piece things together, or more specifically, i'll want to know why something is happening, and i'll ask when. i dont know. but its just become increasingly annoying because i never get the answer i want, a typical conversation using that example:
"when are we going to john's?"
"i don't know, around 6?"
"what?"
"...."
"no i meant why are we going there?"
"but thats not what you asked.."
"i know but..thats what i meant to ask.."
just another unnecessarily awkward situation brought to you by the letter N, for erin's nonexistent brain.

i love spur of the moment ideas

LISTEN TO DIRTY PROJECTOR'S NEW CD BITTE ORCA

"I wish I could be emotionless. "

I said in a previous post.
"I wish I was smarter."
I said before that.

Sunday I went to see Star Trek, even though i felt kind of lame because i'd never watched the show. Anyways, I was enraptured by the Vulcan race. Wikipedia says that they are are noted for their attempt to live by reason and logic with no interference from emotion.

Clearly I want to be Vulcan, I just never knew it.
Plus I have a head start because I have pointy ears.

my goal for the summer is to make friends.
with a little courage i think thats not too big of a goal.

Q and Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Yesterday I was asked if I was excited about the school year coming to an end.
Now, this question would automatically bother me because 1. I hate small talk, because if its small talk than that basically means that i don't really know the person, which makes me nervous, and 2. I am incapable of answering a question without expounding (especially if the answer is atypical- see my first post ever.) But the reason I am bothered by this specific question that I have been bombarded with for the past couple weeks, is that the end of the 2008-2009 school year terrifies me.

Not only does it mean that I will be a senior, having to endure the requisite stress para to get into college, but more importantly, I will be a senior with no friends.

Unfortunately for my morale, my lack of Class of 2010 friends has nothing to do with an inability to make friends. No, I brought this upon myself when i convinced myself that the majority of people in my grade are uninteresting teenz. Oho, because I am so intriguing myself. Nevertheless it is an opinion that I still hold today despite my presentiment that I will be friendless come next fall.

As of today, I have four actual friends in my grade that I will carry throughout next year: Kerry, Tim, Sarah, and Tess. And then there is a kind of potpourri of people who I can call friends but I never really talk to out of school unless at a large gathering. At prom i hugged so many people, but the majority of them I havent seen outside of school.

Anyways, my main problem is that my niche right now is the artsy group. But I dont have an artsy group in my grade. Tim and I will just be the trendy remains in the coming school year.

to be continued

garfield minus garfield

fuck you taylor momsen. fuck you for being fifteen and a million times cooler than i'll ever be.

I wish I could be emotionless.

I wish I was smarter.
Can a higher intelligence be obtained, or do some people just have a natural inability to comprehend? Definitely the former.
I'm planning on maxing out my library card this summer.

for prom?

Is this the Land of Do-As-You-Please?

this morning at three i finished V for Vendetta.
how easy it is for me to fall in love with a fictional character!
its quite absurd, actually.

anyways, there are so many great quotessssss

You say you want to set me free and you put me in a prison
also, insert V's conversation with lady justice here
but really i cant choose, the whole things amazing

also over the summer i need to read it more thoroughly, because i tend to get too excited and skip three pages or so until i see V or Evey and then go back and skim over finch or susan's parts. especially ally because i hate spending extra time trying to decipher his dialect when i just want to get ahead to that third page.

now that i've devoured two of the most popular graphic novels, er, ever, what do I read?

...Persepolis?

i am in love and petrified

WHY THE FUCK AM I AWAKE

my body hurts
tomorrow i'll be in california
not wearing a flower in my hair
san fran was too expensive

i need to be finishing my gandhi paper and all i can do is think about how much i dont want ryan to go to college.

about this time last year i was listening to foundations by kate nash on repeat.
it feels awesome to not have to worry about relationship things amongst school papers and SATs.
also it really freaks me out how long ago last summer was.
it feels like yesterday.

I totally forgot Metric's existence.

Also last night i watched el orfanato which was terrifying.
I know this because we were watching it with the lights on and still shielding our eyes.
I think 85% of the terror came from the score, 15% from this:

oh boy

i'm still a sucker for anything joker-related

hm...i cant stop hiccuping...
its gotten to that point where my stomach hurts. so thats good.

i wish animal collective wasn't the night before prom.
i wish i wasn't failing chemistry.
i wish i was two people so that i could take a good picture of my spine.

i want to see the world.
i want to do something.

I have a weak spot for men in cardigans with untidy hair and nice bone structure.

holy shit.
i just spent 10 hours on a poster.
its 2:19 and i'm about ready to fall over.

hmm.

I want to take VHS next year as one of my electives, but i'm torn between three classes.
1. mandarin chinese
pros- i've always wanted to learn mandarin chinese. also it might look good on a college application if I do well...just because i dont think many schools offer it?
cons- it might be really difficult.

2. gods of CNN
pros- i'm really interested in the media right now. and the course sounds awesome with all the propaganda and pop culture.
cons- a 10 week project is a required part of the class. it consists of doing one of these things: teach a class at your school, start a media club, creating a media awareness web page for your school, etc, and then develop it over a 10 week period.

3. philosphy
pros- it also sounds pretty neat. theres a whole week spent on "does god exist?"
cons- i'm not sure how well i'd do at it. i feel like this class would be the biggest risk out of all of them.

sigh

i always thought that CAKE was some dumb typical classic rock band that i don't care about, but apparently i kinda like some of their songs.

not that i dont like classic rock, its just that i dont listen to it on a regular basis.
unless its the beatles or something. i dunno.
its summer cookout music. or sunday morning music.

sit down x5 you're rocking the boat

pandora is my new favorite source for music

what a lovely weekend.

whilst studying vocabularly

i decided that someone should call me quail.
preferably tim, just because he calls me a little puppy,
and quail seems more appropriate.
a. a quail is small
b. quail v. to lose heart or courage in difficulty or danger;
to shrink with fear.

GET OUT OF MY MIND.
pleaseee its driving me crazy

personality test

We had to take this for school....

People like you are gentle, caring, and sensitive. Although you feel things very deeply, you don't always share those feelings with others you don't know well. Your close friends know you are loyal and affectionate, expressive and eager to please. You are thoughtful, considerate, and supportive of your friends and family. While you like to be included in social activities, you also need time alone to relax or pursue your interests. Because you have such a big heart, you may take even constructive criticism personally, and may feel frequently disappointed by others. Because you are careful not to hurt anyone's feelings and are uncomfortable when people are mad at you, you may have to force yourself to deal with conflicts head on and to speak your mind honestly.You are also a down to earth and realistic person. You probably have a keen sense of aesthetics and may love a variety of artistic expressions or activities. Since you are so observant, you give your full attention to whatever you are doing at the moment, and are often able to tell amazingly accurate stories. You're easy going and playful, but may not be especially adventurous. You may have to struggle to stay organized and may find large or complicated projects a bit overwhelming. Since you naturally want to follow your curiosity wherever it leads you, you may have trouble making decisions or following through and finishing all of the projects you start. You hate to disappoint anyone and you are usually quick to forgive others when they disappoint or offend you.

Your strengths may include:
Collecting lots of information.
Developing a good rapport with people.
Being responsive to questions by providing thoughtful, detailed answers.
Being able to make a realistic assessment of the information gathered.
Having a good instinct for what would make you happy.

Your blindspots may include:
Not being assertive enough at selling your strengths and talents.
Not considering new possibilities you may not have yet thought of.
Not being objective enough; relying too heavily on your immediate feelings and impressions.
Not prioritizing your goals well.
Focusing only on your current needs, and ignoring possible future needs.

oh cool

i was tagged in one of those new facebook picture fads where there are a bunch of characters and you get tagged as the one that represents you.

I got Gloom... whatever. HA! I didn't mean to do that.

gloom
–noun

1.	total or partial darkness; dimness.

2.	a state of melancholy or depression; low spirits.

3.	a despondent or depressed look or expression.

dumb. i'd say that shes confusing my gloominess with timid...ness.

I'M THE EPITOME OF CHEERY;

fear and [loathing] in las vegas

i hate facebook notes because no one ever tags me in them.

also this has nothing to do with that movie that i've never seen.

facts

my teeth hurt

i am fond of intertwining appendages and sleeping for an obscene amount of time

i seem to have gotten myself into the habit of staying up until four

i am attracted to cate blanchett in i'm not there

i justify that by telling myself that my boyfriend is attracted to men who look like girls

i want to cut my hair short

i find it difficult not to act like the people in the movie I just watched.
i noticed it first about a year ago when i caught myself speaking like audrey hepburn after watching breakfast at tiffanys.

now i want to act like edie sedgwick after watching factory girl.
and of course andy, but i always want to act like him, so it didn't really change anything.
once in an interview andy said "oh gee thanks" and ive adopted it ever since i read it.
theres something about his character thats just so appealing to me.
it seems hes so indifferent to everything when he speaks.
once when asked to define himself andy said that he doesn't have his own personality, but he takes bits and pieces from everyone around him.
i think about that a lot.

i'm usually very wide eyed and quiet and timid say, in art or lunch or with a group of people.
but in english i can shout and make everyone laugh without shrinking away before i speak.
i feel like i have contradicting personalities.
i love being both.
but i feel very boring when i'm shy, and its strange, because i feel like i have more personality around my "school" friends in english than around my real life friends.



i got off topic.

hello my name is erin and i'm too afraid to do anything.

something new!

I remember over the summer reading this guy's blog about all the stupid things he and his girlfriend get into actual arguments about. It made me sad because it reminded me of Ryan, but I suppose now that we are back together I should just make my own list. so.

AN ONGOING LIST OF THINGS RYAN AND I HAVE SERIOUSLY FOUGHT ABOUT:

1. How many waffles Ryan ate for breakfast.
2. Whether or not dippin' dots should really be called the "ice cream of the future." (this is ongoing)
3. Whether or not I should have thought that thing I just thought.
4. Whether or not anyone in their right mind would have ever thought that thing I just thought.
ex. "No one ever would think that"
"Thats not true! Yes they would!"
"No, thats not an opinion, Erin. No one in their right mind would have ever though that."
5. Whether or not it sucks that we have to go to school monday and tuesday before christmas vacation.
6. Me leaving his house to eat icecream cake, even though everyone was watching I Am Legend.
7. Ryan not being understanding enough when i got stuck in an $120 shirt at J.Crew for an hour.
8. Whether I was really going to leave in Adria's car that time at the gas station even though it was a joke.
9. Whether or not I would like American History X.
10. Whether or not I would think that David Duchovny would look hot if I saw him walking down the street and I didn't know who he was.

so i dont forget

i listen to this playlist at least once a day.

men - the dodos
the minotaur- the drones
hybrid moments - the misfits
queen bitch - david bowie
ulysses - franz ferdinand
jackson - johnny cash and june carter
arms - seabear
prelude no. 7 in E flat- the swingle singers
la valse de monstres - yann tiersen
your country - gogol bordello

We are in love
We are at war
I feed myself
You feed the poor
I write the fiction
You write the lore
These are addictions
That seem to form

if i ever wrote a book it would be a depressing story full of footnotes with funny stories that make you laugh in a bittersweet way.

also im listening to devendra banhart's santa maria de feira and cant stop shoulder dancing.

i want to wear this

"Are you acquainted with the mood of mind in which, if you were seated alone, and the cat licking its kitten on the rug before you, you would watch the operation so intently that puss's neglect of one ear would put you seriously out of temper?"

obsession?

i feel that a lot of times, people think they are the only ones going through a certain experience or cycle of failures or even that they are the only people who like a certain thing. and i know that every individual is flecked with idiosyncrasies, that "everyone is different," but chances are, many people have the same thoughts as you and are going through the same thing.

anyways, the reason why i was thinking this is that i just posted in my "about me:"

the relationship i have with each little obsession is like that of a friend who you know very well but sometimes forget about or grow apart from. and when you remember that they're there for you, its quite uplifting.

and after puking over how lame i am and asking myself a few times, "is this too ridiculous?" i wondered if that is really odd at all. you know? because often i think, "wow i'm so weird i have all these little obsessions that i rotate through like socks. i go from lost to heath ledger to being the ultimate indie music fan (cue puking) to alan rickman to stalking an ex, leading to being the perfect girlfriend to having the perfect nails to the rocky horror picture show to working out and doing yoga to reduce stress to eating icecream out of the carton to the thought of telling your life to a stranger to finding black and white movies on random tv channels to watch before i go to bed to sushi to wikipediaing the shit out of pop culture icons to being a fervent supporter of obama and religiously watching the aryan god that is anderson cooper to hamlet and his intellect to where i am now, which is being obsessed with watching the best movies ever made. to name a few, that is."
but i suppose everyone must do that. right? everyone gets intensly obsessed with a certain thing for a short amount (or i guess a long amount- i was closely following CNN for a good couple months...) of time, and then the obsession fades until it sparks back up when, maybe, you're flipping through the tv one night and happen to land on a program about hollywood during WWII (in relation to the black and white film thing.)

so maybe its not that weird that i do that. maybe its just that since most all of these things are done in private, you dont tend to share them with the rest of the world? and i just havent picked up on my friends or family doing it for that reason?

I dunno. andif i'm following what i just said, i wont know. unless of course you decide to tell me!

ps. i decided that what i wrote in my "about me" is way too look-at-me-i-can-think-things-BUT- they-arent-really-too-profound-or-interesting-to-read-HOWEVER-i-can-trick-the-average-person-into-thinking-im-a-pretty-cool-kid. i'll just change it back to my catch phrase.

after i came home from seeing benjamin button with ryan, something strange happened.
i had something to say and i wasn't too nervous to say it. an opinion. it was odd.

i've discussed the movie to no end so i dont particularly feel like writing about it here, but its a nice segway into a new list.

ps. Sean penn needs to get an academy award for milk.

AN EVER GROWING LIST OF MOVIES I'D LIKE TO SEE (in no order)
Dr. Strangelove
Fight Club
Casablanca (last night i was watching a program on WWII's influence on hollywood)
Harvey
Pulp Fiction
Eagle vs Shark (x)
A Clockwork Orange
Slumdog Millionare (x)
The Wrestler (x)
Revolutionary Road (x)
The Pianist
American History X
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Requiem for a Dream
Harold and Maude
Funny Face
Bonnie and Clyde
Vanilla Sky
Doubt
An Affair to Remember
Atonement
The Elephant Man
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Letters from Iwo Jima
The Prestige
American Psycho (x)
Persepolis
No Country For Old Men
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
Marie Antionette
Mystic River
Chicago
I Am Sam
Chocolat
The English Patient
Sideways
Lost In Translation
Risky Business
Ballet Shoes
Ratcatcher

more to come.